Patience in the Water

I need to begin to accept that, with all that I deal with, things are always going to get harder before they get better for me. (The saying “It's always darkest before the dawn” may have just as much realism to it as it has cheesiness.) And I need to learn to be more patient with myself when things get rough at first – even though I never feel deserving of that patience. I continuously hope if I am ruthless with myself that I will wake up one morning as not myself, but as someone completely different – or that maybe the universe will realize I am not worth being on this earth and decide to make me disappear. I wish I knew how to change that mindset, and I am trying to change that mindset, but it is going to get worse before it ever gets better. And I need to learn to be patient and be shameless in asking for others' patience through the rough times. I need to somehow convince myself that I am at least worthy of that much – even if it doesn't seem like I am. All in all, this post is a plea to myself and to others for some patience. Because if I need anything from this world right now, it is that.

As a few people know, it's been three years now since I decided I was going to conquer the voices in my head and the effects of the harsh situations I've been in physically. It's been hard, living in a situation where the changes I make are never enough to those who are supposed to support me, to really look back and see how drastically I have changed myself and my quality of life. I have come such a long way though. What a lot of people don't know about me is that over the past few years I have gone from barely being able to talk to people or even leave the house to holding a job, traveling the country alone, and attempting to figure out how to finally move out on my own where I will have even more opportunity to grow as a person without the criticism I get now. I have spent the past few years fighting to deal with struggling with mental illnesses, to accept the bullying that happened to me as a child at school, and to overcome the abuse and neglect I suffered as a child at home. Over the past three years, I have become a completely different person – and, up until now, I have never really personally asked for much patience from others. I guess I've never really felt as though I was working hard enough on myself to deserve it and the things I needed to change I could do on my own. I am starting to struggle being on my own now.

For most of my life, I have been isolated from other people. I grew up afraid of my family and my peers. I am still afraid of people. For as long as I can remember, rejection has been everywhere I have turned. First from my father who abandoned me, then from my mother who abused and neglected me then eventually abandoned me as well, then my grandparents who didn't adequately care for me, then extended family who simply did not care. In school I failed to make friends, no matter how I tried – and eventually the only attention I received was from two other students who were planning to kill me with a knife. By high school, I completely shut myself down to trying to form relationships with others. It was less damaging than repeatedly trying to open up and being rejected every time. But as I get older, the loneliness I face is more damaging than anything else I have ever dealt with. I am finding that I would rather be dead than continue on living as lonely and isolated as I feel. So, over the past month or so, I have been trying to open up to forming connections with other people. I have been trying to show I care about other people and trying to be someone who other people can care about.

And I desperately need some patience. Because as I am trying to form relationships with other people, my anxieties, insecurities, frustrations with myself when I fail, and deeply-rooted feelings of worthless and being unwanted are already showing their ugly faces with meltdowns and lashing out – making be the burden on other people that I always feel as though I already am.

Putting myself out there, trying to form connections with other people for the first time feels a lot like I am drowning and everyone else is standing three feet away, screaming 'learn how to swim'. It seems as though everyone has 'learned how to swim' so many years ago that they've forgotten what it's like to first be introduced to the water. They've forgotten what it's like to be in the deep end of the pool with no lifeguard on duty for the first time - vulnerable and out in the open, kicking their feet with nothing underneath them to support them and no one to pull them out if they go under. And to even just throw a life-jacket in for someone else, let alone teach them how to swim, would be purposeless to everyone standing on the edge. There is no need for someone who is just going to drown in the pool when they could be surrounded by people who already know how to swim. I should just get out of the pool so they can get back in the water. There is no need for someone slowly learning to connect with people when they already have their own group of friends. I feel as though the people I try to connect with already have the people they want to be around, and they have no time for someone new. At least not someone like me, someone struggling just to stay above water. And the rejection is like a weight being attached to my ankle, causing me to simply sink – and once I'm under, people can breathe relief that I am finally gone then forget I existed to begin with.

But I can't be alone anymore. I'm running out of oxygen under all this water and if I don't fight to learn how to swim, I am going to die by tying a weight around my own ankle. There is so much fear in connecting with others that before I learn how, I am going to freak out. But at least in freaking out, I know that I am fighting for air and not just sinking away. At least I know that I am trying and if I am still alone, I can't say I let fear consume me and didn't put in my best effort. And until I learn to teach myself how to swim, if I am ever going to learn how to be close to other people, I just need some patience.

An Open Letter To Anyone I Met At NJCon

I almost didn't make it to NJCon. At the very last minute, I came to the conclusion that I wasn't going to go. I started the process of finding someone to sell my ticket to, figuring out how to transfer my hotel room into my roommate's name, and coming to terms with the fact that something I had been looking forward to for roughly a year was not going to happen. The cons of going definitely outweighed what I thought the pros would be.

I'm currently weaning off of my meds (Lamictal first) so I can write again, and some days are better than others. The headaches, dizziness, and exhaustion are beginning to wear off. Unfortunately, the anxiety, depression, repetitive thoughts, and paranoia are still amplified. Every second of every day for as long as I can remember has felt like Hell, and for the next several months there will be moments where it feels even worse. That coupled with the fact that I need money in order to survive leaving home made it seem like a good idea not to go. Staying home would give me more money, and it would also mean that no one would have to deal with me. Because, honestly, who wants to deal with someone who is like me – especially right now?

I have come to learn that 'just staying home' is the worst thing I could do though – especially if I am making all of these plans to fight for myself. I have tried the 'just staying home' thing in the past. It has nearly killed me. I used to think that if I stayed in my comfort zone, it would all be okay. I'll 'feel better'. Life will be 'easier'. I've considered quitting my job, going on disability, and 'just staying home' from the world. I mean, if tearing myself out of my comfort zone, even to simply do things that I enjoy, is so difficult, why not? Because I've found that when I give up what I want and let my mind win, the only thing I really want to do is die. So, I make plans to do things that I love and see people that I admire. Because standing completely overwhelmed and helpless in the middle of a strange place is still better than lying on my bed, daydreaming about just ending it all. It takes being out of my comfort zone to remind me that I still exist and there are reasons for me to continue to exist.

I think that when I came to the conclusion that I didn't want to attend the con, I somehow knew that this weekend would take me out of my element more than I planned for it to.

Firstly, in order to afford to stay in the hotel, I made plans to room with three other girls. Anyone who knows me, knows that I don't get on well with other people. As much as I wish I could connect with people on a deeper level, I don't. I can't. I live in a situation where my daily interactions with others mostly include people yelling and hitting each other. I live in a situation where people seem to go out of their ways to make me feel ashamed of my existence. As much as I want what other people seem to have with each other, there is always that sinking feeling that people are only pretending to like me. And the voices that scream, 'You're disgusting. You're bad. No one likes you. No one wants to be around you. You're creepy. You're annoying. Everyone wishes you were dead.' So I stick to myself because I can't handle the loneliness that comes with being around others.

I knew that rooming with three other people, while good for my empty wallet, was going to take a mighty toll on me, especially now when I am going off my meds. And it did take quite a toll.

Thursday and Friday were miserable for me in that area. When they tried to interact with me, I didn't want to interact because I knew they would hate me. When they didn't try to interact with me, I convinced myself that they already hated me. My social life, which I adamantly try not to even have, is a never-ending empty void. Being around people and knowing that I am not someone that exists or matters is another thing that makes me wish I was dead, even more so than 'just staying home'. I try to convince myself that I am worthy of friends and that I don't deserve to feel so lonely, but there is something that tells me that every human in the world wishes I would disappear the very moment they meet me; that everything they do and say is just them struggling to get away from me.

Saturday, I melted down. It happens. After trying to 'fight' thinking that everyone hates me, like everyone tells me to do, and continuing to lose, it happens. I somehow found myself in a crowded area of the hotel, rooted to the floor, as other people walked by. And all I could hear was, 'Look at all those people. Look at them talking to each other. You don't have that. You'll never have that. You're bad. Don't try. Don't try. You're bad.' over and over and over. I couldn't conquer it, I couldn't leave, I could only just stare. And I broke. I always do.

But there is always something about breaking down at conventions that makes me a little stronger in the long run. I break relatively often. It happens when I see groups of friends, families that aren't screaming at each other, lovers, strangers who managed to make conversation. I walk away in tears or stand in the middle of a public area with 'You'll never have that' repeating like a broken record to me. And then I walk away alone. It matters to strangers on the street whether or not I'm okay as much as it matters to the people in my daily life – either not at all or in a way that I am in the way, that I am a burden. And I weaken. But at cons, not even just Creation cons, it isn't like that. The moment you start to look sad, you're surrounded by twenty people asking you if you're okay. You're not invisible. You exist.

I realize that on the outside, sometimes existing and being cared about tends to make everything worse. It's hard to comprehend at first. There is the desire to push everyone as far away as possible so I don't get hurt worse. But there is also the need to pull people close. I always end up freezing up until people give up and leave. People at cons don't just give up and leave though. My amazing roommates and new friends continued to return and check on me, something that doesn't often happen in my life. I can't put into words how it feels to matter to other people when you so often don't. I can't put into words how it feels to exist when you so often feel invisible. It's like being pulled out of quicksand, onto a rock. I finally have the courage to start to try standing on my own.

The kindness and support shown to me by my new (and old) friends, by Gil McKinney, by Osric Chau and by Chris Schmelke this weekend gave something unexplainable to my life that I never had before. Because of the wonderful friends I had/made, I gained the courage to try to connect with other people, spending Sunday night bonding with my roommates rather than isolating myself. I finally gave in and broke down to someone in person about how invisible I feel all of the time, and because of Gil, I actually discovered how it felt to exist. Chris took the time to make sure one of my photographs was how I wanted it, despite the hundreds of photo ops he was doing all weekend, giving me a sense of importance. And, because of Osric, I was able to put everything in my head aside for awhile and dance at the Cocktail Party – something I never would have even considered doing if he hadn't taken the time to boost my confidence and show me how to dance. It is people like these who remind me how and why to keep going when I am ready to quit.

To all the people I met at NJCon – whether you were my roommate, my friend, someone who stopped to ask if I was okay, or someone who just simply commented about my bear – you have had an impact on my life this weekend.

Thank you.

Clouds

I don't want to disappear as much as I wish I could view the world in Universal Omniscient – a narrator in life rather than a character, watching and observing my surroundings without having my own story. I envy the clouds that float across the sky, able to see everything but feel nothing. They explore the world, from the skyscrapers in New York City to the Himalayan mountain tops – free of fear, bound by nothing. They travel wherever the wind takes them. And even on days when they flood the world with their sadness or rip it to shreds with their anger, they can't be touched. They continue toward their next destination, able to view the entire world on their journey.

I, like everyone else, view my surroundings through First Person Limited – thrown into the mess of life while only truly seeing myself. I'm forced to interact with my surroundings. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. There are no breaks. There is no chance to view the world from up high, free of tethers. The strength of the clouds as they release everything they've pent up inside of them is seen as weakness in me. That which makes them needed is that which makes me unwanted. And I wonder if I'll ever even have a next destination – unable to even fathom how I might get to it. I want to disconnect myself from life – removing myself as the main character of my story while still being able to view the beauty and tragedy in the world. I want to be untouched, a silent observer of life and death, able to eventually move on and allow people to experience the sun that shines through when I'm no longer around.

And it kills me that the only reality of escape is to simply disappear.

To observe as myself is to take but not contribute – to become more of a burden. To not exist as myself is to do neither – providing others with sun.

To compromise, I consider becoming a different person. I develop an image in my head of the person I should be – someone with different likes, different positive traits, different flaws, different ways of thinking. Someone so vastly different from who I am now that that person has to be 'good'. Someone who can interact with the world without causing turmoil. I imagine being someone intelligent who is a good friend and a welcomed acquaintance. I imagine being someone who never takes but always gives. I try to be someone who will get somewhere in life and who won't burden others with their presence. I reinforce the idea that I am bad, but my attempts to be good only seem to make me worse.

I wonder if it's possible to hate yourself so much that everything in you simply gives up. Because as I was taken to the ER the other night, controlled by vomiting and panic, it felt as though my mind and body had simply given up. And now, I don't particularly want to get out of bed. I don't think I'm sick as much as I am done with being myself – someone so selfish and unlovable. I think maybe I would feel better if I wasn't me.

But I am me – and I want to close my eyes and disappear.

The Bee Room

It isn't stressed enough how frightening mental illness can be (and almost always is) to those who experience it. Fear can range from a creeping nervousness to pure terror – often sliding back and forth across its own fear spectrum without ever stopping. The bouts of calm are few and far between. And, still, it is just a calm before the next storm. And I want to stress it again: mental illness is frightening. And invalidating a person's feelings or perceptions makes it all the more scary.

Because not everyone's minds work the same, I can only speak for myself in this post – but I know that there are people out there who will be able to relate. Lately, I have felt under attack. Am I under attack? I honestly do not know. There are few ways that I know how to reach out to others when I am in this state of mind, and the ways I do know how to reach out seem to always backfire on me. Everyone needs reassurance and positive attention – some people more than others (and more often than others). I am one of those people who constantly needs reassured that I am loved and that there is nothing 'wrong' with me. I need reassured that I am good, or I am sure that I am bad. And I need it more than ever on the days where I am sure the world is out to get me. But as I reach out in whatever desperate ways I can manage, it always ends with negativity. I am an attention-seeker. I am ungrateful. I am annoying. I am many things – and none of them are good. And, already feeling under attack, I become more defensive and more desperate.

Imagine being in a room with a bee. (You're also allergic to bees.) “I need someone to remove this bee,” you shout at the closed door, huddling in the corner. The bee is not attacking you, but there is potential that it might. There is silence. “Please, remove the bee!” You finally receive an answer, but it isn't one you were hoping for. “Stop shouting!” yells a person who does not know you are allergic to bees – and you're stuck in a room with one, either unable to open the door or just too afraid to move out of the corner. The bee is riled up by the noise. You panic. You hit the wall, trying to draw in the attention of someone who can help you. People begin to get angry and annoyed. They hit the wall back. You cry and hit the wall harder. “Stop looking for attention!” someone yells. “There probably is nothing even in there!” another person announces, unable to see what you do. Suddenly, you're beginning to doubt the existence of the bee and you feel guilty for crying out. It buzzes menacingly while people continue to shout. “There are people who have to deal with bees every day! Some people even have to deal with worse! Get over it! You should be grateful it's only one bee!” But that one bee, something that looks so small to everyone else, might just be the death of you. And while the people around you don't think that they are causing any harm (only trying to make you see the 'truth'), they don't understand that they are suddenly part of the potential attack.

Finally, as you're reaching exhaustion and feeling as though no one cares about your safety, someone does come to help you. But no matter what they do, they just can't open the door. It's not their fault. It's not your fault. Even as the people who were previously just hitting the walls and yelling back at you are shouting, “Someone is actually trying to help you! You won't even let them in! Do you even WANT to be helped?!” The door is just stuck.

And what can you do besides accept your fate or become all the more desperate.

The people who didn't understand your situation to begin with either leave the building or continue to yell at you for your fear and desperation to be helped. And, eventually, the people who had shown up to help but found that they couldn't get through the door either join those who are yelling or leave as well. You scream at them not to leave. You don't want to be alone. But they're tired and they want to go home. They don't want to hear you yelling for help when you both know you can't be helped by them. There is nothing they can actively do for you. Sitting outside the door seems useless to them – even though it means the world to you, knowing they're still there. You feel so alone. Even the people who do stay are behind a door, and even though you can talk to them and you appreciate that they are there and you don't want them to leave, you still feel so alone. You can't help it. You just want to be on the outside with them.

People come and tell you to help yourself. You throw your shoe at the bee. It hits. For awhile, you think the bee is dead. But it isn't. You throw your other shoe. The same thing happens. And then you are out of shoes. The bee sits on top of them. And people continue to tell you that you just have to help yourself. You're strong. It's not like anyone else can help you. You're bigger than the bee! If you don't get yourself out of this mess, you clearly want to be in it. But they don't understand that one little sting can kill you. That sometimes you get so close, but the bee can fly and it is faster than you.

They recommend (sometimes condescendingly) that you get professional help. So an exterminator comes. He sprays something to kill the bee under the door. You cough and wheeze and eventually beg him to stop. The spray makes you feel as though the life is being sucked out of you. He tries a different bee spray. This time you feel nauseated and you can't stop crying. He suggests maybe you should talk about the bee. You describe it in detail, but you wonder if he even believes you. He diagnoses you with a bee allergy as though you didn't already know you were allergic. He also tells you that you seem to have a bad habit of biting your nails. You should probably slide some money under the door for another session so you can talk about that too. Oh, and if you need him, he is only available next week for one hour. But you should be fine until then. 

You're confined to a corner, feeling helpless. The people who have told you they don't even think there is a bee in the room with you leave you questioning whether or not your perception of the bee is real. Those who yelled at you for seeking attention make you feel guilty for your desperation for help. You want to kill yourself before the bee can, but you're scared and you voice it – and people respond by telling you if you were going to kill yourself, you wouldn't be telling others you want to be dead. You would just die in silence. You think maybe they want you to die in silence. They call back the professional who deems you as a hazard to yourself and takes the rest of your money for another session to talk about the bee. I mean, maybe if you talk about it, the bee will slowly start to disintegrate or something. There are the people who have left you, making you feel unworthy of being helped – annoying, a burden, self-centered, someone with nothing to give to anyone else. And you begin to fear for the day when the people still behind the door finally get up and leave as well. You cling to their presence tightly, accidentally smothering them.

Suddenly the entire world seems to be against you. In reality, outside the door, it isn't. But from where you are confined with that bee, that little speck of mental illness, there is only fear. And it seems like nothing will ever change.

I just want to tell you that if you know someone who struggles with mental illness, it is not always that they just want the attention on themselves. It's not always that they're not thinking about you. It's not always that they're annoying, needy, frustrating people. It is not always that they don't want to help themselves. Or that they want to turn down the help that you're trying to offer. They're stuck inside their heads with a bee and the door won't open. And the best thing you can do is not to get angry, not to yell, not to invalidate them, not to accuse them, not to try to convince them you understand when you're standing in a world outside the door. The best thing you can do if your loved one is struggling is to sit beside the door and let them know that you plan to stay.

You don't need to sit there 24/7. You can get up – take care of your own needs. Please, take care of yourself as well. Eat, sleep, take time for yourself, do things that make you happy – and don't let anyone make you feel guilty for being happy just because they are not. But when you can, sit down outside that door. And on particularly bad days, offer some reassurance that someday, the door will open. And if the person on the other side gets angry, yelling that the door is never going to open, remember that it's fear speaking. People who struggle with mental illness, in a way, are in fear for their lives – especially those who struggle severely.

Be kind. Even if you can't see past our door, to us the terror is very real.

Don't let anyone treat you badly though – ill or not. Don't accept abuse. If someone hurts you, get out.

But for those of you who know people who kind, good people but are just stuck in their heads with a bee...

It would mean the world if you could sit outside the door with a flyswatter, offering comforting words and hoping with us that the door will someday open and we will be free.