LA Zoo Gallery

Home Is No Place Like There

I go back home tomorrow. Back to work, moving into a new apartment, then the same old day after day. I wish I could stay here forever. Or go back to Austin. Or keep traveling across the country. Anything that would make me feel independent and useful – anywhere that I have friends and people who like me, who I trust. I don't want to go back. I want to move and explore and meet new people and write things and try new things and not feel tied down. I hate feeling like I'm going nowhere. I love that my brain is tied up in traveling and exploring; I hate that I'm crazy and that I'm useless when it comes to finding a way to do it forever. And maybe that I'm just useless in general. I can't handle the day after day retail job or dealing with a constantly fighting family or missing people I've never met and places I've never been. Yet, there seems to be no way to have the things I want. So tomorrow, I go back home.

People I meet when I travel are different than everyone else. It's encouraging to be told that I'm intelligent or funny or creative or kind. I'm not bad or annoying to them. I don't get in the way. They want to ride with me on the train or sit down and talk with me for hours. They like my quirks and appreciate my talents. We get to know each other better in just a few hours than other people and I get to know each other in a lifetime. I guess when you only have a few hours and you're bored, you're not as inclined to brush people off. It makes me wonder why I feel so miserable around the people I know. It makes me wonder why I'm always just getting in the way and why I'm more likely to get insults and mocked than I am to get some encouragement and help. I wonder why people in new places approach me because they see something unique in me while people in the places I'm forced to exist in just want me out of their hair. I want to travel and to exist in places where I'm around people who want to be around me. I hate that I can hear in my head the voices of people I'm going back home to replying to that with, “You mean places like that exist?” Because then I doubt that they do, even though I've been to them.

And I really hate that there are people who make me feel worthless on a daily basis that will reply to this telling me how “great” I am then go back to treating me like dirt.

And that there are people who will respond with, “Well if you don't like how I treat you then leave.”

And that there are people who will tell me, “Well, I guess you should stop being lazy and work harder”, because they clearly don't understand the struggles I go through or how hard I already work every single second of my life.

I hate that I have to feel responsible for how other people treat me. And that I have to feel like I'm not doing enough to get to where I want to be. And I hate that strangers know me better than anyone who has “known” me for an extended period of time. I hate going back to a way of life that makes me feel worthless and not worth knowing. I hate going back to people who don't appreciate my interests or my areas of knowledge or how my mind works. I hate going back to people who don't care what I have to say when I speak. I hate going back to people who would rather do anything as long as it means they don't have to spend an extended period of time with me.

I want to go back to places where someone will brave the heat and new areas to find a place to have good ole Texas BBQ with me. Who cares if we're not 100% sure where we're going. We're going somewhere. I want to go back to places where someone will spend an entire day at the zoo with me and then come back to next day for 12 hours of intense roller coaster riding. Sleep can happen some other day. I want to be around strangers who trust me enough to tell me their deepest fears and darkest secrets. I want to be around friends who are content to cuddle up with me and talk about everything and nothing for so long that we lose track of time. I want to be around the people who tell me things they've never told anyone else, who hug me when I cry, who get into mischief with me, and who are intelligent and interesting and see that I am too in my own way.

I don't want to go back home. I want to go 'home' to all of the places I am comfortable and free to be me.

Sometimes I'm A Nature Photographer

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It's Too Soon To Think About Leaving

  

as visions of hermit crabs danced in their heads

Amtrak doesn't have WiFi – hence the lack of updates. Even if it did, I probably wouldn't have had time to utilize it. I have time now because I opted for collapsing in bed rather than joining my family at my cousin's graduation. (After sleeping on the floor for four nights in TX because Extended Stay America messed up my reservations, a good bed is slightly more alluring than being sociable. Plus, I can be social with my new friend – the cat – who enjoys joining me for sleep. He doesn't mind if I'm an introvert and choose to sit at the other end of the bed with my face buried in my laptop. He's currently cuddled up with my bear, Carl, dreaming about going downstairs to feast on some hermit crabs.) 

  

my tiny friend Darius

The lack of WiFi on the Amtrak is (shockingly) barely even noticeable – even after a three day train ride. Once you find an empty seat in the lounge car where you can stare outside at all of the scenery, time flies by at an alarming rate. (And if you do get bored and happen to be going through Texas, Arizona, or Nevada, you can count the cacti until you just fall asleep. And don't worry about missing anything while you're out like a light. There will be thousands more cacti to see when you wake up, along with an endless amount of rocks. If you're REALLY (un)lucky, you'll even see a few dust tornadoes!) The point is, I didn't have internet and I didn't really feel much of a need to access the online world. Between the lounge car, the snack car, and the dining car, I was fairly entertained. (It also didn't hurt that I had two three year olds to keep me busy.) 

Pecos River

 

Woody's Diner at Seal Beach

I'm in Anaheim, California now. I got into LA about 6am PT yesterday morning then hopped another train to my aunt's house to stay with my aunt, uncle, cousin, and their pets for a week. It's a fairly nice – fairly awkward – vacation. I'm not quite made for staying with other people. I do better on my own where I can hole myself up in a corner and sit in silence for extended periods of time if I need to. But being here, staying with them, is great. Since we're across the country from each other, it's not often that we have time to spend together. And we have plans ranging from Venice Beach to Nature Preserves to keep me occupied. We hit up Seal Beach yesterday where I encountered a terrifying pelican then had amazing burgers at Woody's. 

  

Carl and Bearca at Downtown Disney

And, finally, better than Austin, better than the Amtrak, better than knowing I'm going to finally get to see LA, I have the opportunity to spend time with the one actual, good friend that I have. It's weird already to have a friend that makes plans with me then goes through with them – and hasn't already ditched me early to go hang out with someone better. I almost can convince myself to feel like I'm not a last resort for once. From exploring our way to Starbucks to mulch battling to taking our fuzzy bear children, Carl and Bearca, to Downtown Disney, it's a bit overwhelming (in a good way) to be around someone who actively wants to spend time with me and (hopefully) likes being friends. Having someone make time for me and not mind driving to see me throws me for a loop. I've already been told by family that I look much happier than they're used to seeing me. I guess feeling like someone wants me and loves me for once can have a visible impact. 

Leaving is going to be the worst.

Beyond Bullying

WARNING: EXHAUSTED RAMBLING BELOW

Myself and Lea Delaria (Orange is the New Black)

I had a chance to sit down and talk with some of the most iconic LGBTQ people working both on and off screen in the media today during their panel Beyond Bullying: What's Next For TV's LGBT Teens. I am so honored to have met them and to have been able to talk to all four of them about the shows they work on, their views on certain aspects of gay characters on television, and also about their off-screen interests (re: the sexiness that is Adam Levine). Much thanks to Lea Delaria (Orange is the New Black), Carter Covington (Faking It), Wilson Cruz (GLAAD), and my awesome new friend Michael Willett (Faking It) not only for their admirable work on television but also for being awesome, friendly, inspiring people outside of their jobs as well.

I spent most of the panel listening intently (and even taking notes), planning to outline a blog post based around their views on what I thought to be some of the most important topics discussed during the panel. But, because this is a personal blog, that all got thrown out the window after the panel had ended. I may type up my notes into actual sentences later, but I want to use this post just to show my appreciation for these people (and for all of the panelists at ATX Festival) on a personal level .

Most people know that I had a fairly life-changing encounter with Brittany Snow at ATX Festival last year that led me to seeking more help for my mental illness. If not for that moment and her kindness, I honestly don't know where I would be right now, but I don't think it would be anywhere good. This year, I was honored to meet Michael Willett and to be encouraged and inspired by him. (I told him I was going to put him in my blog.) Not going to lie, before today, I had no idea who in the world he was. I actually didn't know who any of the people speaking in the Beyond Bullying panel were (except for Lea, who was not actually IN the panel, but sitting behind me during it). I just knew that it was a panel I HAD to go to because it was television that had helped me figure out and accept my own sexuality and identity. (Shout out to Olivia Wilde for that one!)

First of all, there is something about Michael that right off the bat makes you feel welcomed and accepted. (And, no, it's not just his gorgeous face. But if I was a gay dude [or a straight girl???] that would definitely play a part.) Unlike many of the people I have the privilege of meeting, he was very approachable. As was Wilson Cruz (who is equally as approachable as he is entertaining). I have a habit of hovering (even around people I already know). Do I say hi? Do I not say hi? Do I creepily stare and hope they notice me and say hi first? (Unfortunately, I tend to go with the last one and then judge myself for it later.) Fortunately, I did not have to creepily stare very long at anyone today. (Except for at my friend Allison as I was waiting for her to enter SFA bc I was STARVING TO DEATH, but she's way used to me by now.) I don't get the feeling of being accepted very often in my life. To meet Michael and then Wilson, Carter, and Lea put me at ease for the rest of the day. (And made me miss Daniel Manzano because he has always made it a point to remind me I am worth talking to.)

Which brings me to my next point.

Not many people I meet take the time to sit down and talk to me like both Michael and Wilson did. The main problem I have with going to television festivals outside of ATX is that I don't feel like a person. And I don't feel like the people around me are people either. (Why would I want that when I don't even feel like a person in my own daily life? Oh, right, because I want to be a writer and I might learn something new at TV festivals.) There are certain festivals I attend where, because I am a fan, I feel like I am less than a human while around those who work on television. To actually be able to sit down and speak to the panelists without security telling me to move along and treating me like a stalker just for existing in the same room as the panelists would only be a dream. Being a fan of something seems to make you automatically dubbed 'screaming fangirl'. Being a fan at certain conventions makes you less than fit to talk to the panelists, and occasionally makes you feel as though you are a lesser person. The best part of ATX is that I can stop to talk to people like Brittany Snow, Wilson Cruz, and Michael Willett and have an actual conversation without being treated poorly. (This blows my mind because I can't even get my friends to have extended conversations with me sometimes.)

Wilson Cruz, Michael Willett, myself, Carter Covington

I was floored by being able to have a serious, extended conversation with Wilson and Michael – and then later just Michael. Lately in my life, I feel as though I have been treated as less than human in many areas. For someone to sit down and talk to me like I was a person was a shock. (For it to happen again later as I was having dinner with Allison was like an electric chair). This whole post is now just turning into a 'oh my god, someone talked to me' post somehow. But I guess that's the point. These people took the time to talk to me and to listen to me and to encourage me and to make me feel human. And I am beyond appreciative and I want to thank them for that. Because I often lose sight of the fact I am worthy of being befriended in my life, and television festivals tend to only drive that home. I earn so many badges of 'last resort friend', 'someone to put up with', 'fangirl', 'wanna-be writer' and much more, but hardly ever 'worthy of talking to'. So, thank you Wilson and Michael for making me feel like a person today. I hope to meet you both again. (LA and Asbury Park, yes or definitely yes?)

To my readers not watching Orange is the New Black or Faking It, I highly recommend giving them a shot. I've not yet started Faking It, but with the amazing reviews I have heard and the even more amazing Michael and Carter, it will be the first show I watch when I return home.

P.S.
OMG TX BBQ IS THE BEST AND ALLISON AND I FOUND THE MOST AWESOME TREE LIKE EVER

Seriously, best tree ever. Carl climbed it and felt like a real bear.

A Few Words About Traveling to ATX and A Brief Review Of The 'Legends' Pilot

Ready for take-off (in about two hours), Captain!

From airtrains being rejuvenated to airport delays, yesterday was one hell of a hectic day! It was pouring when I left the house. I had to cab to a train station a few towns over, take the train to another station, then take a shuttle to the airport where my plane was delayed for about two hours due to the weather. From there, I flew to Austin where I took another shuttle to a few streets away from my hotel. (I gracefully turned down someone asking if I needed help finding where I was going to walk in the wrong direction, of course.) But I'm here in Austin at ATX Festival and I am beyond thrilled! My hands are shaking right now as I type because of how much I love this place.

View from Extended Stay America

I have to point out that I am very fortunate the workers and volunteers at ATX are so kind. After such a long day, I was very tired and frazzled and not thinking straight. Those who were working at the registration desk were patient and made me smile. They listened to my mini rant about the airport delays and got me through registration without so much as even minor confusion. (That's a feat even when I'm wide awake!) I had no questions about where to go or what to do next - which is impressive at a television festival. Imagine a day at Comic Con where everyone is calm and patient and you have a chance to breathe and figure out where you're going and what you're doing next. (A pro to this festival is also the limited amount of tickets that are sold. There are no intense crowds and the festival is very personalized.)

Last night was opening night. I checked into the festival then hit up the airing of the Legends pilot. Make sure to check out Legends when it airs on August 13 on TNT! In the words of my ATX Festival program, “Legends follows deep-cover operative named Martin Odum (Sean Bean), who has an uncanny ability to transform himself into a different person for each job. But his own identity comes into question when a mysterious stranger suggests that Martin isn't who he thinks he is.” 

Legends Premiers August 13 on TNT!

I admit, I'm not that into cop (or in this case FBI) shows. I love murder, grisly deaths, mystery, and everything else that's dark, but I've never gotten into cop shows. (Unless you include Rizzoli & Isles, which, c'mon, you know there are a few other reasons I was dragging into THAT show!) Anyway. I wasn't sure I was going to enjoy the show within the first fifteen minutes of the pilot episode due to all the FBI focus (that and I was confused as to what was happening due to my own exhaustion), but then they added a psychological twist that hooked me and refused to let go. (Sean Bean being a perfect fit for such a main character also won me over.) I won't go into it too much, because spoilers and all, but if you like psychological thrillers, Legends is worth giving a shot. Not only is it packed with action, but it also includes a character mystery that will make your brain twist itself into knots wondering what is really going on. (If you're planning on watching the premiere when it airs, comment below and let me know so we can fangirl [or, uh, fanboy???] together!) It seems like a show that may drag in a larger male audience than female.

Brad Turner answers fan questions about the pilot episode

After the show, the audience was lucky enough to welcome director Brad Turner to the stage where he answered several questions regarding the show – including one that viewers may have by the end of the pilot (which could turn several away). Despite the main characters 'insanity?', he will not be waking up in an asylum to find out he is just crazy. (It is always good to know right away that the ending will not be a cop out). As of right now, the show is a 10 episode mini-series, but it has the potential to be renewed for multiple seasons to come. From just watching the pilot episode, I have high hopes that potential viewers will give this show the chance it deserves.

Free Bear-Hugs!

Free Bear-Hugs at Asbury Park Gay Pride

I can tell you three things I know for sure I want in life (at least for right now).
1. I want to write.
2. I want to travel.
3. I want to make people feel good.
If I can combine all of those things into one, I will feel some sort of accomplishment.
(I also know for sure that I want to feel safe and secure, but that is a topic for another day.)

Seeing those three things listed in front of me makes it all look so simple. Unfortunately, for a part-time retail worker who doesn't have a clear idea on what's happening in her life from one day to the next, it's not that easy. This time 60 days from now, I don't even know if I will still have a job. I don't even know where I will be living. As of right now, I am making $8.35/hr and working only 10hrs a week some weeks. I'm lucky if most of my paychecks reach $150/week. I spend a lot of time looking for money on the ground, stealing loose change out of the dryer, and asking people if I can keep their pennies in order to have a good laptop to type on and some cash to buy plane tickets with. And in 60 days, I will be evicted from the apartment I live in and won't even know where my cash income will be coming from for awhile. Fortunately, the making people feel good part can be absolutely free.

I have a quote on my wall, my favorite quote actually, spoken by Ella Simms from Melrose Place 2.0. (Shut up. So what if it's a lame soap opera. Ella is awesome!) It says, “Do anything you can, because I promise you, once you do, you won't care how you got there. You're just gonna be really happy that you did.” I've been keeping that in mind lately while trying to afford writing, traveling, and letting people know they're not alone in the world. And so, being broke and often toying with the idea of being a homeless traveler, I recently started 'Free Bear-Hugs'.

It's a fairly simple way to raise money to travel, have something to blog about, and make people feel good.

I have a stuffed bear that you can hug. For free. It sounds kind of dumb until you do it. I've learned that once you ask someone to briefly step out of their comfort zone to be comforted, you open a door of possibilities. Some people leave with a huge smile. Others take a moment to sit down and talk for awhile, the conversation ending in tears. Today, a man sat with me for about thirty minutes, telling me about how he felt as though he was going nowhere in his life because he was grieving over the loss of his sister.

I want to be a listening ear, because I often feel as though I don't have one. I write to make people feel less alone. I travel to meet people to make them feel less alone. I just want people to not feel as alone as I so often do. I don't ask for anything in return. Honestly, provided I had the means to get myself to where I want to be as a writer and traveler, I wouldn't want anything in return from anyone. But I've realized I can't get to where I want to go alone, so I have been keeping a 'Help Me Travel?' jar next to me in case anyone wants to lend a hand. In two days, I've earned roughly $60. I've also received more hugs, kisses, and 'thank you for making me smile's than I can count.

One day, I will be able to make it on my own – doing all that I want to do and more. But right now, I thank everyone who has taken a few dollars to help me out. And I hope that I can use what I've been given for good as I travel to Austin then to Anaheim. Maybe on the train back home, I'll finish the rough draft of my novel and give someone hope with my writing as I've been given hope by the writings of so many others.